I love you too, but it's time for me to go.
15:01 May 13 2007
Times Read: 1,174
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.
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I can’t even begin to describe how bad I feel right now. Two decades we’ve been inseparable, and I’m breaking her heart.
I was under the impression it was going to be a fun night. The two of them had talked me into karaoke, and I had actually decided to sing (well bellow was more like it), because I’m leaving anyway and don’t care what anyone in the bar thinks of me.
I didn’t actually sing. I made a ruckus. She thinks she can’t sing, well that she’s tone deaf actually. I probably could have been a lot better if I tried, but it was more fun this way. Seriously, how good do you need to be when singing “Closer” and “Down With The Sickness” anyway? It was all for fun, and that’s what we had.
That is until the end of the night. She had quite a bit to drink. Several double shots of 1800 in fact. Twenty years and I’ve never seen her so drunk. I knew that she’s been stressed out lately. That the pressures of life are getting to her too. I just had no idea how honest being so drunk would make her.
Before I go on, there is something that should probably be said. My best friend (much like me) doesn’t really cry. When I cry (out of sadness, not anger) it’s only around a handful of people I trust. She is like me in this respect. One can not afford to show the world such a sign of weakness. To further push the extent of this point, I’ll give you an example.
She has lost not one, but two babies in the last trimester of her pregnancies, and I didn’t see her cry much about it. In fact, her lack of emotion during those significant losses caused me to worry about her. But knowing who she is, I knew that she would overcome. Now that we have an understanding about how we are. I shall continue.
We were sitting in the bar. It was not long after the witching hour when she decided to put her arm around me. Very unusual behavior, as she normally does not allow most people to touch her. I think I can count the number of times we’ve hugged the entire time we’ve known each other on one hand. I figured it had something to do with the fact that I’m moving soon. I was not prepared for what came next.
“Don’t go.” she says.
“What?” I replied.
“Don’t move. I don’t want you to go.”
“Why?”
“You can’t leave me, you’re my ((she says the nickname she’s given me)). I need you.”
-At this point I start to tear up-
“But I need to go. I need to get out of here.”
“You can’t leave me, you’re my rock. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you right across the street.”
“You left me. Remember when you moved to Tennessee? It was fine then, it’ll be fine now.”
-At this point she starts crying-
“That was different. I need you. Do you know what I did when I found out you were leaving?”
“No.”
“I cried. I cried for three days just thinking about you leaving. Don’t go. Don’t leave me.”
“But it’s not forever. We’ll still talk. We’ll still keep in touch. I’ll be back to visit. You know I will.”
“It feels like forever, please don’t go. Don’t leave.”
And that’s how it continued. She begged me to stay... I told her I couldn’t. I know I’m selfish for leaving. I know people that care about me would rather I stay. I just feel like I’m breaking her heart. I had no idea that my leaving would. I’m going to miss her too, but I can’t stay here.
I hope that will be the most difficult encounter, but I know the goodbyes will only get harder from here. I still have several more people to discuss this with. I hope I’m strong enough for this. I have a feeling I’m not. I suspect I will feel quite horrible for the next month or so.
I hope I get all of my goodbyes in before it’s time to leave…
… no matter how difficult they may be.
jebus freaking christ!08:35 May 07 2007
Times Read: 1,185
Well damnit! It appears I'm having issues with my blood pressure. I'll have to monitor it closely and see how and when it spikes. I suppose I'll be dumping all of that info in here so I don't lose it. I might as well start with tonights reading...
5/7/07 12:30AM BP 156/88 - MAP 112 - P 83
5/7/07 11:14AM BP 155/82 - MAP 108 - P 97
5/7/07 11:50PM BP 160/97 - MAP 125 - P 108
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